"the worst kind of hangover"

Can you relate to any of the following symptoms: you feel like you are in a funk that you can't get out of; you have low energy and trouble focusing on things; TiVo has become your hobby; you are starting to lose hope; you are irritable, anxious, or unmotivated?

If you answered "yes" to one or more of the above, you may be suffering from syndrome plaguing thousands which I call an: "Expectation Hangover".

An expectation hangover is far worse than any tequila hangover you've ever had because no amount of aspirin or greasy food can cure it.

This is how an expectation hangover happens: we have an expectation or a fantasy of a desired result and when it doesn't happen . . . voila! We are hung-over. Feelings of disappointment and self-criticism begin to fester. If it's a severe hangover our level of performance at work may suffer, creativity is stifled, we may withdraw from your social life, and self-esteem plummets.

All of us at some point have experienced an expectation hangover.

To know the light we must know the dark. So on our journey to bliss, we are bound to encounter some disappointment along the way. It's impossible to live a human experience and never experience being let-down. We are passed over for a promotion, a deal does not go through, a lover leaves us, an anniversary is forgotten, we did not loose the 5 pounds we planned to shed by summer; whatever the expectation is, when the desired result does not manifest, we are left with what I call an "Expectation Hangover".

"Expectation Hangover" describes the disappointment and self-criticism we face when something did not go as planned or we failed to achieve a desired result. It can be as small as falling out of a headstand in a Yoga class to as severe as being fired; we can all relate to that sick feeling inside that accompanies the thought of "this is not what I wanted". I've had my share of expectation hangovers including: a career in the entertainment biz I fought to obtain, but then hated having; a broken engagement; and surprising family "misbehavior". All this put me on a mission to find prevention and treatments for the common Expectation Hangover.

Expectation hangovers leave many of us asking, "What is wrong with me?" or "Why did this happen?" Well, nothing is inherently wrong with any of us. We have just been programmed to be driven by expectations. Living in a "doing" rather than a "being" society reinforces this conditioning. When we meet or exceed an expectation we feel great, but if we don't meet a standard that was set for us or that we set for ourselves, we judge ourselves harshly.

You may question whether you should let go of your expectations; in fact, you may label many of them as "goals". If you do what is expected or planned, outcomes are predictable and goals can be achieved. For example, going to a good college leads to getting a good job, which leads to making more money, which leads to being able to support a family, which leads to having it all, which leads to happiness and success . . . or so we hope.

A better goal for all of us would be to remove expectations from our lives completely, even the ones we think we should or really want to have. It is not easy to do. Setting expectations gives us the illusion of control. The advice, "just let go and be happy" is not followed very religiously by most of us. If it was that easy we would not see countless commercials for anti-depressants on television. So, how do we practice being okay with what happens in our lives and let go of expectations? It takes willingness and a consistent practice of shifting our perspective and behavior.

Here are tips for how to prevent and deal with expectation hangovers.

HANGOVER PREVENTION:

• Distinguish goals from expectations. A goal is defined as a, "purpose or objective". An expectation is defined as, "eager anticipation for something to happen". Notice just from the definition how disempowering expectations are? Goals are things we can take action to achieve, set goals and avoid being driven by expectations.
• Define your goals. Be clear and honest about what your actual goals are, not things you want to happen. For instance, "get married by 35" is not a goal, it is an expectation. Unless you are having an arranged marriage, don't expect to partner up on your timeline; trust it will happen when the time is right.
• Admit your expectations. Come clean about the things you expect of yourself. Consider if there is any action you can take to translate an expectation to a goal. For instance, if you are expecting a promotion; make an appointment to talk with your boss, find out what you need to do to get promoted, and then make it a goal.
• Expect nothing from anyone else. This is a hard one. Be honest about what you expect from others and be willing to let those expectations go. If someone treats you poorly or lets you down; stand up for yourself, accept them as is, or get them out of your life rather than expecting them to be different.

HANGOVER TREATMENT:

Get to Gratitude. Immediately make a list of everything you are grateful for. A quick perspective check can often be an immediate source of relief.

• Be Self-less. It's simple. Do for others so you can stop obsessing about yourself. Volunteer; there are so many opportunities and ways to be self-less.
• Reality Check. Make a list of other expectations that have not manifested and consider how things have actually turned out for the better.
• Stop the Pity Party. If you are feeling sorry for yourself, plan something nice to do and then snap out of it. "I suck" or "What happened to me sucks" kind of thinking keeps a theme of negativity alive and reinforces hangover symptoms.
• Own your expectations. Admit you're suffering from an expectation hangover to someone close to you. Talk it out, vent and then ask them to hold you accountable for moving forward and not harping on your expectations.
• Take Action. Look at everything in your life and if something is suffering as a result of your hangover (work, exercise, your health, friendships, sex life, relationship, finances, etc) and immediately do something to get it back into balance.
• Create Distraction. Plan a fun activity that has NOTHING to do with the theme of your expectations. For example, if you are disappointed you did not get a promotion at work that you expected, don't go out for drinks with co-workers. You need an entirely different atmosphere and energy to escape your expectation hangover.

We have an obligation to our own inner happiness, despite the outside obligations many of us feel to achieve greatness or to be a certain way.

Christine Hassler is the author of 20 Something, 20 Everything: A Quarter-Life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction. She is also a career coach in private practice.